Week 11: Training is Healing
It isn't easy to blog about training. It isn't easy to tell people when you fail to do something 100% "right." But for a person training for a triathlon. I think it is better to realize you can do something imperfectly and succeed. Then just tell you that unless you hit every work out you will fail. That unless you have been an athlete trained by the best coaches and have the most expensive shoes you are not worth anyone's time.
Worth...is it something earned? Is it something from within? Who gives it to you? I spent Saturday with my extended family. And I thought about some of that. As I watched the kids scramble over each other for attention and yell in facsination at each other. As I had to explain to the aunts who I see a couple times of year I don't have THAT job anymore now I am just a retail worker. And no I don't have a boyfriend anymore...as my sister runs after her two gorgeous children. I try to to remember my worth and my choice to live the life I want to create. Do I want to be teaching art at a college? Yes. Do I wish I was a health coach or a person doing more good in the world? Yes I do. But being an artist running a video screening and paying most of my bills isn't a terrible existence. Though the silence after the first questions stings as they hae nothing more to say, none of them have shunned me yet. I just can feel all of the pressure of wanting to be better so they don't judge me so harshly behind my back. As many of us know, it doesn't matter what we do there is always something to critque. How we raise our kids. Who our partner is. And that family deep down usually have good intentions of just wanting the best for us and show it through worry.
What stunned myself was an attitude shift in me. For my life so far, I have always been a dreamer. Someone reaching for the stars. As I sat in the sun, chatting with my Uncle who I see once a year at most. An introverted man who I admire. He asked how life was going and so forth. And as we were talking I said to him, "Well you know how it is you make the most of it and just keep going." Not totally unwise but definitely uninspired. A nod to how difficult things are and how we aren't in very much control. Cause, um, we are not. But today I got really sad. Thinking about how it shows how I have no dreams for the future. Even if far fetched and nerve wracking, I didn't have anything to share with this man in the way of dreams. I just said I am making it work and life goes on...While totally practical in response. I want to have my spark back. I want to tell him I want to climb the highest mountain in the world, or hike the hiddens paths of an unknown religious sect, or that I am going to have five art shows in the next five years and I want to feel the exhileration of feeling that is the most important thing in the world. That surviving is a given. That there is some magic left in the world. That my life is important to create.
Part of all this is being without a partner is always a pain when at a family event. I missed my ex terribly a few times on Saturday. thinking about how great it would be to have him there to spend time with my nephews how great he does with that, how calm he makes me feel when dealing with other people, and fending off that feeling that other people don't think very much of me. He thought a lot of me and he had a lot of the same interests. I miss that feeling. I miss the potential of being able to think about creating a CREATIVE life with someone else. Living in a family on non-artists/creatives. It is really hard to feel accepted. He bridged the gap nicely between my family and those interests. It was very hard. And I am just trying for it to be ok to feel sad.
Wow, what does this rant have to do with training? I think wanting to train for a large event like this is about showing, gaining, and living the worth I want to feel for myself. This past week, I swam, I biked, and I walked a bunch. This weekend I didn't train on Saturday because of family time. I had three drinks and then felt terrible that night. Most likely I had some heat exhaustion. Today I woke up with a kink in my neck and lots of emotions. Seeing family and my sister moving very far away left me pretty exhausted. I am at home now with my cats. Thinking I might go to the gym tonight. Or I may wait and bike outside tomorrow.
So I am staring the last week of training and prep in the face. And I know, barring something really crazy. I can finish. I am hoping to rock the swim, sail through the biking, and pace myself to finish strong with the walk/run. Right now the tri doesn't feel very big. The world does. And I am looking forward to celebrating the strength I have to do this tri with my friends and family. I am looking forward to resting afterwards. Cause my muscles are tired. My mind is nervous to complete this task. And I need to tend to straightening up my life after a whirlwind summer of art and training.
In thinking about my worth, I now know it exists. I figured that out a few years ago. But I still haven't figured out how to live in that worth. To stand up in it. As of Tuesday I am 187 pounds. Overweight but very strong. I am a single woman with a lot to say but not a lot of people or places to honor it. But I keep fighting to say something to feel what I need to say is important. And I guess a good thing about my newer attitude is. I know that life goes on after the good and the bad. That no matter what I do I have a huge family keeping me in line and mostly cheering for me. When I look at my family I see a huge crew of people learning how to see their worth and supporting the worth of each other. Lots of people don't have that. Even though I don't fit in so well. I still have a lot of people on my team. And even though I don't have someone special right now to share my victories with I will keep learning what makes my life one of worth and growth.
Nothing is just about weight loss, muscle gain, or accomplishing a goal. Our lives swirl with meaning and emotion. So as I looked out across the lake of my uncle and aunt's cabin, with all the yelling kids, the fire burning in the fire pit, the great knowledge there were bratwurts on the way, I know this Tri is important for me. It is no big whoop to anybody else. But if I put the energy I put into training back into my life. I have learned something good. And I will keep finding ways to honor the worth I have found.
Worth...is it something earned? Is it something from within? Who gives it to you? I spent Saturday with my extended family. And I thought about some of that. As I watched the kids scramble over each other for attention and yell in facsination at each other. As I had to explain to the aunts who I see a couple times of year I don't have THAT job anymore now I am just a retail worker. And no I don't have a boyfriend anymore...as my sister runs after her two gorgeous children. I try to to remember my worth and my choice to live the life I want to create. Do I want to be teaching art at a college? Yes. Do I wish I was a health coach or a person doing more good in the world? Yes I do. But being an artist running a video screening and paying most of my bills isn't a terrible existence. Though the silence after the first questions stings as they hae nothing more to say, none of them have shunned me yet. I just can feel all of the pressure of wanting to be better so they don't judge me so harshly behind my back. As many of us know, it doesn't matter what we do there is always something to critque. How we raise our kids. Who our partner is. And that family deep down usually have good intentions of just wanting the best for us and show it through worry.
What stunned myself was an attitude shift in me. For my life so far, I have always been a dreamer. Someone reaching for the stars. As I sat in the sun, chatting with my Uncle who I see once a year at most. An introverted man who I admire. He asked how life was going and so forth. And as we were talking I said to him, "Well you know how it is you make the most of it and just keep going." Not totally unwise but definitely uninspired. A nod to how difficult things are and how we aren't in very much control. Cause, um, we are not. But today I got really sad. Thinking about how it shows how I have no dreams for the future. Even if far fetched and nerve wracking, I didn't have anything to share with this man in the way of dreams. I just said I am making it work and life goes on...While totally practical in response. I want to have my spark back. I want to tell him I want to climb the highest mountain in the world, or hike the hiddens paths of an unknown religious sect, or that I am going to have five art shows in the next five years and I want to feel the exhileration of feeling that is the most important thing in the world. That surviving is a given. That there is some magic left in the world. That my life is important to create.
Part of all this is being without a partner is always a pain when at a family event. I missed my ex terribly a few times on Saturday. thinking about how great it would be to have him there to spend time with my nephews how great he does with that, how calm he makes me feel when dealing with other people, and fending off that feeling that other people don't think very much of me. He thought a lot of me and he had a lot of the same interests. I miss that feeling. I miss the potential of being able to think about creating a CREATIVE life with someone else. Living in a family on non-artists/creatives. It is really hard to feel accepted. He bridged the gap nicely between my family and those interests. It was very hard. And I am just trying for it to be ok to feel sad.
Wow, what does this rant have to do with training? I think wanting to train for a large event like this is about showing, gaining, and living the worth I want to feel for myself. This past week, I swam, I biked, and I walked a bunch. This weekend I didn't train on Saturday because of family time. I had three drinks and then felt terrible that night. Most likely I had some heat exhaustion. Today I woke up with a kink in my neck and lots of emotions. Seeing family and my sister moving very far away left me pretty exhausted. I am at home now with my cats. Thinking I might go to the gym tonight. Or I may wait and bike outside tomorrow.
So I am staring the last week of training and prep in the face. And I know, barring something really crazy. I can finish. I am hoping to rock the swim, sail through the biking, and pace myself to finish strong with the walk/run. Right now the tri doesn't feel very big. The world does. And I am looking forward to celebrating the strength I have to do this tri with my friends and family. I am looking forward to resting afterwards. Cause my muscles are tired. My mind is nervous to complete this task. And I need to tend to straightening up my life after a whirlwind summer of art and training.
In thinking about my worth, I now know it exists. I figured that out a few years ago. But I still haven't figured out how to live in that worth. To stand up in it. As of Tuesday I am 187 pounds. Overweight but very strong. I am a single woman with a lot to say but not a lot of people or places to honor it. But I keep fighting to say something to feel what I need to say is important. And I guess a good thing about my newer attitude is. I know that life goes on after the good and the bad. That no matter what I do I have a huge family keeping me in line and mostly cheering for me. When I look at my family I see a huge crew of people learning how to see their worth and supporting the worth of each other. Lots of people don't have that. Even though I don't fit in so well. I still have a lot of people on my team. And even though I don't have someone special right now to share my victories with I will keep learning what makes my life one of worth and growth.
Nothing is just about weight loss, muscle gain, or accomplishing a goal. Our lives swirl with meaning and emotion. So as I looked out across the lake of my uncle and aunt's cabin, with all the yelling kids, the fire burning in the fire pit, the great knowledge there were bratwurts on the way, I know this Tri is important for me. It is no big whoop to anybody else. But if I put the energy I put into training back into my life. I have learned something good. And I will keep finding ways to honor the worth I have found.
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