Week 8: Depressive Tendencies and Training
Right now, I am drinking grainy almond milk with rice protein powder in it. Not nearly as good as those GNC protein shakes I used to drink while I trained with my ex. But hopefully it is doing the trick of getting my body protein to build up the muscles I just abused on the stationary bike. And I am thinking about the effort it takes to fight off depression.Throughout my life I have used a few things as anti-depressants. Dance. Art. And Exercise.
This Sprint Tri is one of those efforts. The mental task of getting out of the house to get to the gym isn't just about training it is about telling depression to take a hike. I am so hard on myself. Telling myself I am failure cause I am not an arts professor. Or that I don't make enough money (I don't). Every day I can find a way to tell myself I am a failure and ugly. So I get out there and I get on my bike.
Last week I got on my bike and did HILLS and then the next day I went swimming. As per usual I did not get to walking or running. And the weekend was shot by an artist market. Though in all honesty, with it being 94 degrees on Saturday and 86 on Sunday....I may have skipped it anyway. :P No probably not but it would have been a nightmare.
BUT here is the thing...I am training my mind as much as my body. I am training myself to be okay working out in heat and I am training myself to keep breathing while I hit the point of exhaustion...and I need to keep getting out there. Cause at this point my body is getting close to ready for the Tri. But my mind needs to kick in and get me through longer workouts and tired days.
I have to admit. That this Tri is pulling me out of depression over and over again. I can feel when I skip workouts myself slipping back into sadness. This break up is hard. And I find myself lately tearing up on the bus and in bed more than a month ago. I know it is part of breaking up. Grieving and all that. But it is just plain hard right now. I decided to not talk to my ex for awhile and in saying good bye for awhile I wanted to tell them that if we could work on our issues that I would want to try to do be together again. But instead I was reminded that this person I hold so dear. Doesn't want to work on those issues. I know it was a long shot anyway. I can see why we are better apart but I wanted to leave the door open. I wanted to let them know if they were ever ready I could meet them half way.
The past year has not been easy. I lost a job for the first time. And while wanting to see it as an opportunity. I most definitely feel into a depression. My house to this day. Is a MESS. I have asked for help and got it with a friend that comes and cleans my place. But I don't want to ask her anymore. When I am not at work or working on art, I just can't find the energy to clean my house. A direct reflection of how I am treating myself. I was so depressed while in a relationship. And tried desperately to move through it while staying in that relationship. But that relationship became just a way to keep neglecting my needs.
Sometimes training feels to simple. Like I get on the stationary bike tonight and I push through 45 minutes of "rolling hills." And it is difficult but all I have to do is keep breathing and pushing and setting goals. And I think how much harder life is. You have family, friends, health, art, career, all these many parts of life. It is much easier to just get on a bike and pedal. But really, there is cross over. Just keep moving and striving and learning with each part of your life. You do get to keep trying and training and starting over. I don't know where my life is going. But I am learning that I want to live a life I enjoy more. And one where I get to keep learning.
I hope I can find someone to travel with, exercise with, and love. But for now, I get up and I train. I go to work and I do my best. And I am trying with every breath to enjoy it more. And let the tears come when they have to.
***Note***As of my Tuesday swim I am 190! Eight pounds lost. I know I downplay this cause weight lose is just a happy side effect of training for me. But I have to admit I am very excited to get to the gym tomorrow to weigh myself and see if I am down to 188. :)
This Sprint Tri is one of those efforts. The mental task of getting out of the house to get to the gym isn't just about training it is about telling depression to take a hike. I am so hard on myself. Telling myself I am failure cause I am not an arts professor. Or that I don't make enough money (I don't). Every day I can find a way to tell myself I am a failure and ugly. So I get out there and I get on my bike.
Last week I got on my bike and did HILLS and then the next day I went swimming. As per usual I did not get to walking or running. And the weekend was shot by an artist market. Though in all honesty, with it being 94 degrees on Saturday and 86 on Sunday....I may have skipped it anyway. :P No probably not but it would have been a nightmare.
BUT here is the thing...I am training my mind as much as my body. I am training myself to be okay working out in heat and I am training myself to keep breathing while I hit the point of exhaustion...and I need to keep getting out there. Cause at this point my body is getting close to ready for the Tri. But my mind needs to kick in and get me through longer workouts and tired days.
I have to admit. That this Tri is pulling me out of depression over and over again. I can feel when I skip workouts myself slipping back into sadness. This break up is hard. And I find myself lately tearing up on the bus and in bed more than a month ago. I know it is part of breaking up. Grieving and all that. But it is just plain hard right now. I decided to not talk to my ex for awhile and in saying good bye for awhile I wanted to tell them that if we could work on our issues that I would want to try to do be together again. But instead I was reminded that this person I hold so dear. Doesn't want to work on those issues. I know it was a long shot anyway. I can see why we are better apart but I wanted to leave the door open. I wanted to let them know if they were ever ready I could meet them half way.
The past year has not been easy. I lost a job for the first time. And while wanting to see it as an opportunity. I most definitely feel into a depression. My house to this day. Is a MESS. I have asked for help and got it with a friend that comes and cleans my place. But I don't want to ask her anymore. When I am not at work or working on art, I just can't find the energy to clean my house. A direct reflection of how I am treating myself. I was so depressed while in a relationship. And tried desperately to move through it while staying in that relationship. But that relationship became just a way to keep neglecting my needs.
Sometimes training feels to simple. Like I get on the stationary bike tonight and I push through 45 minutes of "rolling hills." And it is difficult but all I have to do is keep breathing and pushing and setting goals. And I think how much harder life is. You have family, friends, health, art, career, all these many parts of life. It is much easier to just get on a bike and pedal. But really, there is cross over. Just keep moving and striving and learning with each part of your life. You do get to keep trying and training and starting over. I don't know where my life is going. But I am learning that I want to live a life I enjoy more. And one where I get to keep learning.
I hope I can find someone to travel with, exercise with, and love. But for now, I get up and I train. I go to work and I do my best. And I am trying with every breath to enjoy it more. And let the tears come when they have to.
***Note***As of my Tuesday swim I am 190! Eight pounds lost. I know I downplay this cause weight lose is just a happy side effect of training for me. But I have to admit I am very excited to get to the gym tomorrow to weigh myself and see if I am down to 188. :)
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